Blood Boils

金門調酒 - Kinmen Cocktails #11

*wakes up and reads news, sees Constellation cancelled again, promptly spits out coffee and shits log down my pajamas*

WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IN THE COCK-SMOKED BALL-SACKED FUUUUUUUCCCCCK IS THIS FRESH HELL. Why does the Navy cancel EVERYTHING IT MAKES? Jesus fucking christ, they’re forced to pick an Italian ship design, and THEY’RE SURPRISED IT WAS CANCELLED.

The last time the fucking Italian navy dominated the seas, it was using OARS IN 31BC FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. AND ON THE MEDITERRENNEAN - Oh, surprise, the good ship lollypop bobbing and coasting in the Mediterennean’s calm fucking seas is GOING TO FOLD LIKE A LAWNCHAIR on the open ocean swell of the Pacific Ocean - nO WoNdeR YoU HAd TO ChANgE 85% of this ITALIAN PIECE OF CRAP, their IDEA OF A BLUE WATER NAVY IS WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF ROSÉ.

*reads Commander Salamander’s article, ulcer flares up in gurgitations*

WHAT THE FUUUUUCK NAVSEA. WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING MILLIMETER OF THE FUCKING GUN, is 57mm too smol? Is 76mm too thicc? I DON’t GIVE A FUUUUUCK ITS ABOUT VLS CELLS and RADARS.

OOOHHH, you’re going to keep two? Oooooohhhh GOOD. You’ll have TWO FUCKING SHIPS you have to maintain and crew - THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, NAVY.

You’re going to replace it? WITH WHAAAAAT? IT WILL TAKE YOU ANOTHER 5 YEARS TO DECIDE YOU DUMB GUCK AND THE…AND THE… WHAT…I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE STILL BUILDING THE LITTORAL COMBAT SHIP, WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKK?!?!?!

MEANWHILE, THE FUCKING CHINESE HAVE COMMISSIONED THEIR FIRST NEW FRIGATE (the 054B Luohe, soon to be sunk off Taiwan) IN JANUARY OF 2025. WHAT DOES THE NAVY HAVE TO SAY?

“Sometimes, you’re just better off designing a new ship,” Navy’s former top acquisition executive Nickolas Guertin said at some circle-jerk conference in February. “Turns out modifying someone else’s design is a lot harder than it seems.”

Narrator Voice: Turns out, it was.

NNOOOOOOOOO SSHHHIIIITTTT. EXCEPT YOU HAVEN’T EVEN DESIGNED A SUCCESSFUL SURFACE SHIP SINCE THE COLD WAR, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

CRUCIFY THE ADMIRALS AND SES OF NAVSEA ALONG THE VIA TRUMPIA. NAIL THEM UP WITH SPIKES FORGED FROM LITTORAL COMBAT SHIP HULLS. REPROGRAM 10% OF THE FLEET BUDGET EVERY YEAR INTO THE B-21 UNTIL NAVSEA UNFUCKS ITSELF. GET RID OF EVERY SENIOR NAVAL LEADER, DRAFT ELON MUSK AS COMMANDER AND ZOHRAN MAMDANI AS POLITICAL COMMISSAR, AND ROLL THE FUCKING DICE.

Vermilion needs a more aggressive day drinking schedule. And new pajamas. Again.